I’ve been thinking a lot about this interview with Lisa Kudrow about the nose job she got when she was in high school.
My first thought is that I want to go back in time and hug teenaged Lisa Kudrow. I want to tell her that it sounds like she made the best choice possible given the options she had. But I also want to tell her that it sucks big time that society presented her with so few options, that it’s unbelievably shitty for a young girl to think that her only chance not to feel hideous is to surgically alter her face.
Most of all, I want to tell her that I get it, because I’ve been there. And if surgery had seemed like a viable option when I was fifteen, I probably would have jumped at the chance. But it wasn’t, so I just had to live with how my nose looked, and eventually I learned to like it. I’m not entirely sure, though, that telling a fifteen year old to suck it up and wait it out until they feel loveable is the best way to go.
I hated my nose for a long time. A long, long time. It’s large and pointy, and, as my friend Steve once helpfully remarked, it’s hooked, like an eagle’s beak. It’s what, on a man, would be called “strong” or “aquiline” – on a petite woman, it looks out of place, or so I thought. My sister once told me that my squinty eyes and prominent nose gave me a rat-like appearance. A friend once avoided the question of whether I had an ugly nose by telling me that I have a nice personality. The first time I saw Cyrano de Bergerac I cried, because I thought I would have to spend the rest of my life composing eloquent love letters for friends who wanted to date the dudes that I liked. I hated my nose.
For a really long time, I would only let people take pictures of me from head-on; I avoided shots of my profile at all costs. I looked up makeup techniques that would somehow minimize the appearance of my nose. I kept my hair long so that I could tilt my head and let my hair fall forward, covering my face. I thought about getting a nose job. My grandmother once told me to get a nose job. Or rather, she said, “Annie, you only live once, and you only get one body. If surgery will make you feel happier living in the body you’ve been given, then more power to you.”
Not long after that conversation, my cousin, whose nose resembled mine, really did get a nose job. I worried that when I saw her I would feel envious, but I didn’t. I just felt sad.
Mostly I feel sad that we live in a world where there is such a narrow definition of beauty for women. I feel sad that I scrutinize every photograph of me that goes online, because I don’t want people to think that I’m “ugly.” I feel sad that when I put on makeup it seems more like painting on a mask, one that will hide or at least distract people from my actual face. I feel sad that I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling so goddamn unattractive.
I have, somewhat pathetically, tried to remedy this situation by getting outside validation for my appearance, but that’s a double-edge sword, isn’t it? Relying on people other than myself to make me feel attractive is foolish and misguided at best. First of all, doing that puts a lot of pressure on my friends and family to constantly reassure me that yes, I am pretty, and no, I’m not ugly. I mean, it’s fine to like compliments and everything, but requiring them as some sort of clause in our friendship contract isn’t cool. Second of all, feeling that I need an outside source to provide me with self-esteem just isn’t sustainable. Third of all, when I feel bad about my appearance, it doesn’t matter how many compliments you lob at me, I’m just not going to believe them.
Part of the problem is the format in which I tend to look for validation; usually it’s by posting pictures of myself on Facebook or Twitter. But it’s well within my power to make sure that those pictures don’t necessarily contain what I think is the truth. That doesn’t mean that I edit or doctor these photographs in any way, but I do tend to do things like take pictures in full sunlight, so that my face is completely washed out, or hold the camera above my head, so that it’s a more “flattering” angle. I’ll also often take twenty or more pictures of myself in a row and then delete most of them for being too ugly. And if most of my selfies are ugly, if the vast majority of pictures of myself make me cringe, then doesn’t that mean that the select few that make it to a public platform are really lies? So even the pictures where I think I look good somehow end up making me feel bad.
Look at it this way: yes, I can take photographs and look at these images that I’ve created and recognize that the subject is, in fact, attractive in a mostly conventional way. But that doesn’t mean that I can recognize that I, myself, am attractive in a mostly conventional way; it only means that I know how to use things like angles and lighting and sneaky makeup tricks in order to produce a static version of myself that I find palatable. And then I can take these photographs and post them to social media sites and receive positive feedback on them, but again, that doesn’t so much make me feel attractive as it makes me feel like a liar and a manipulator.
I always worry when meeting someone offline for the first time about how they will react to my appearance. I worry that they will think that I’ve misrepresented myself, made myself seem prettier, my skin smoother, my nose less prominent.
I always worry that when friends who know me in real life see the pictures that I post online, they just roll their eyes at how unlike me these photographs are.
I always worry that I’m never, ever going to learn to love how I look.
I am learning, though, albeit slowly. Over the past year or two my nose has gone from being this huge blemish on my face to being something about myself that I like a lot. It’s different, and it makes my face more interesting. It gives me character, makes me appear somehow both dignified and a bit oddball. It just plain looks kinda good.
I wish it hadn’t taken me twenty some-odd years to learn to love my nose, though. Nobody should have to feel that badly about themselves for that long. And though it would be easy to blame the kids who teased me or grownups who rolled their eyes and told me to get over it, the problem is so much bigger than that. The problem is that we only ever see women who fit one specific model of beauty in the media. The problem is that we put way too much emphasis on women’s appearance, and not enough on their thoughts or character or actions. The problem is that we criticize people for posting selfies “for attention,” but don’t ever talk about why those people might want, maybe even need, positive attention paid to their looks. The problem is that there are so many problems and I don’t even know how to start solving them.
Here’s my first, faltering step at trying to find some kind of solution. A picture of my nose, in all of its enormous, pointy glory:
Miraculously enough for me, I don’t hate it.
The Belle Jar 
All those attributes of my physical appearance that I used to abhor as a teenager have now turned into much loved aspects of myself as I began to realise that difference is far more valuable then sameness! Now, like you I need to work on the ‘self validation’ trap of social media- which is hard when it is so fun!
Haha that IS the problem, isn’t it? It’s so much fun! And really, I don’t think that there’s anything WRONG with social media, and a lot of times it’s a great tool. I just don’t always love how and why I use it, you know?
You are my favorite person.
Heeee thanks! You’re pretty great too 🙂
yes and besides loving your nose you will love this:
http://amazingwomenrock.com/will-i-be-pretty-will-i-be-pretty-will-i-be-pretty
the perfect slam to accompany your perfect post 🙂
Oh AMAZING. Thank you for sharing!!
YW and it’s one of my faves also 🙂
Reading this was like seeing all my own feelings in words. I also have a prominent nose that I HATED growing up. All I wanted was a nose job. But I grew into my face and my nose and now the idea of messing with my face is never something I’d seriously consider. I still don’t love it, but it’s part of me. You, and your nose, are gorgeous.
You are gorgeous too! And I hope that someday you’ll be able to love your nose. The first step is feeling like it’s YOURS, and hopefully the next step is feeling like it’s beautiful ❤
I love the way ur nose looks on ur face =)
Thank you 🙂
What a beautiful photo! I think this post will resonate with so many young women. It’s thoughtful and highlights the problem of believing that only one kind of look is acceptable which in turn cripples young women’s self-esteem. In addition, the focus on appearance for women diverts their attention from developing character, something that actually yields results towards happiness. I’ve also toyed with camera angles and fused over my nose, but one day while I was looking at old photos I noticed my uncanny resemblance to my grandmother (nose and all). Now I see my nose as a sort of gift from and connection to my grandmother 🙂
It’s funny because whenever I see any other woman’s photo on Facebook or Twitter, I always think that they look gorgeous and confident. Seeing the response to this post has made me realize that so many of us are in the same boat when it comes to self-esteem and social media. I honestly had no idea!
Learning to love yourself is pretty brave. You risk going against all those people who told you that you were unlovable because you didn’t fit some ideal standard of feminine beauty, that you are not good enough at being who you are, which includes being a woman.
When I was little, I had a cousin I looked up to. She would dote on me, spent hours putting makeup on me, like I was a doll. Beauty was obviously very important to her, and I thought this was as it should be, because she was so beautiful. I could breathe near her and inhale the scent of preppy clothes, a big clean house in the country, her powdery perfume. She was very delicate, the essence of femininity.
What I didn’t understand because it was taboo to talk about in my family, was that my beautiful cousin had a cleft palate. She hated her features, especially her nose. When she was an adult, she had surgery. She is stunning and now everyone agrees.
I hope that she is happy. We grew apart over the years and there are even more taboos between us, some of them of my own doing, keeping me from asking, and I believe, her from answering. But I hope that she is happy and that she knows she is beautiful. It might be too much to ask, but I’d like it if she knew she’d always been beautiful.
Oh man, what a story. I had a cousin, too, who had awful acne and braces, but I always thought she was gorgeous. I thought those things just made her look sophisticated and grown up. Imagine my surprise when I realized how ugly she felt.
I hope your cousin has found happiness and peace with her looks, too ❤
This is beautiful.
It also brought up a lot of feelings about how I hated my body in school and still look in a mirror sometimes or see a photo and have the same feeling all over again.
I’ve also found myself in the position of making judgements on people based on these society perspectives, but it’s something i try hard to keep in check. Because most of the time I find that when I meet and talk to someone and learn about them as a person, all the “flaws” vanish in the face of their humanity and I’m blown away with how beautiful they really are.
It’s so hard not to judge, when you spend your whole life being taught to judge others based on their appearance. All you can do is try, but none of us will ever be perfect.
So true
Yet again, your blog speaks so directly to me. When I was young, many of my friends had nose jobs – their parents could afford it. I did not – my parents were poor. In retrospect, I’m so glad I did not have the opportunity to change such an important part of who I am. When I was in my 20’s, I broke my nose, and the emergency room doctor said that I would likely need surgery, and that they could “fix this” (flicking the end of my big, Jewish, hooked nose. I looked at him and said, “I like THIS” (flicking my nose as he had) and walked out. I called my dad, who was infuriated. We went to a different doctor, with more knowledge and wisdom, and ultimately I never needed surgery.
Now, my teenage daughter struggles with her nose, which is growing into a slightly smaller version of my nose (and my mother’s before me). She’s hating it, and not hating it, and coming to terms with it. We’ll see how her voyage goes.
Thank you for your courage, you struggles, and your astounding ability to put things out here for those of us lucky enough to read your blog.
Oh man, that doctor! What in the ever-loving hell? Who would say something like that!
We had an interesting discussion on Facebook about how a lot of the idea that big noses are “ugly” has some seeds of anti-semitism in it. It was pretty interesting! Although I’m not Jewish, I’ve definitely been told that I have a “Jewish” nose, and I don’t think that that’s always been said in the most flattering way.
I really truly love your nose. No, it’s not the Hollywood “little nothing” standard but who wants that, anyway? Your nose suits your face and makes you both beautiful and memorable. Lucky you!
Thank you. I really do love it too! Most of the time haha.
A strong nose on a strong person is a good thing. When I looked at that photo the first thing I saw was your hair and then your lips….I didn’t know the article was about “the nose”. Have you see those “Before & After” programmes where someone has had their nose “done”….I’ve been surprised the number of times I thought the woman looked beautiful and interesting beforehand and afterwards looked plain.
I also read somewhere (this was for my 12 year old daughter) that the longer you look at yourself in the mirror, the uglier you become as you focus on specific parts of your face or body. The solution for happy teenagers (I suppose this works for adults too) is 1) don’t look in the mirror too much 2) Get involved in activities e.g playing in a group, a sports team, a knitting circle. Immerse yourself in activities.
I honestly don’t think about how I look most of the time. But that’s a good point about the longer you look in a mirror, the more you hate yourself. I can totally, totally see that being true.
You are beautiful. I am middle eastern and struggle with this daily. The nose. And the hair. Oh, the hair.
Oh I hear you! My hair is very fine and doesn’t have any kind of shape and just flies around everywhere! It looks better when it’s short, but perversely I prefer it longer. OH the hair.
Ha! That brought out a lot of my old memories and feelings. I have the opposite problem to yours: my nose looks OK in profile (if a bit snub), but from full-on frontal perspective it is wide and squat and looks a bit like a pig’s snout. I also had some family examples (my father, aunt and grandmother) who demonstrated to what monstrous proportions this nose might grow. Mine never quite did, but I’ve had more than my share of teasing. Miss Piggy, Oink-Oink, Cyrano and such-like. Even my boyfriends and my husband have commented on it – supposedly a gentle, loving tease, but it has always hurt.
But you know what the most hateful aspect of it all is? As a child, I was never worried about my nose. I thought I looked pretty enough, I was very happy with everything (and I liked the way everybody else looked too). It was only in my teens, when my parent’s friends or the distant relatives started commenting about my looks (as in ‘wonder who will marry her, hope she doesn’t take after her Dad’, and when other children at school started chiming in) that I became self-conscious about it.
I still don’t love the way I look in pictures, but now I have age and weight to worry about, rather than just my nose.
And by the way, I really envy you for your nose – it looks very dramatic, eloquent, full of personality… and not big at all!
Reading this I was shouting in my head “yes. yes. yesss” the whole time. I had the same. Or have the same thing. When I was young some people who where really close to me started to call me Dumbo because of my ears. My mother even thought about fixing them so that they would be closer to my head (does this “explanation” makes sense)? And above that they are huge. Really. Even if people tell me “noooooo” they are not. I don’t buy it. But I started to get along with it by the age of 20-something as well, and by now my hair is 4mm long and there is no way of hiding them.
Sadly, they are not the only feature above my head/face/body that drived me insane. (Like… literally). But by now I am just getting angry when thinking about it, not about the fact how I look like, fuck I look like, but about the fact that “beauty” is a construct that makes a shit ton of people feel incredibly bad about themselves and let others bully them. I mean… um… what a world is that where people cause violence to their own body because of the way they look? (Despite all the other reasons…) It’s crazy. The world. The concept or construct of beauty.
Sometimes I walk a tightrope between loving myself and the cynicism and uncertainty that follows us about.. That said I seek simple inspirations. My cat and my family and the joy I find in other people.
Oh my god, this is so well written I ached when reading. I think we can all identify with this on some level, whether it is our nose or some other body part.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. You are beautiful.
Boring
James, the anonymity of the net has allowed you to be snotty without consequences. Why did you feel this was necessary?
Reblogged this on L'amour Répandu and commented:
And maybe, just maybe, I might learn to love my nose too.
I saw this picture scroll by and the first thing I thought was “HOTTT”!!! Seriously that is a great picture, you are gorgeous. I don’t know how to say it more clearly. This is not an attempt to falsely bolster your confidence. I saw it on my fb feed and here.
I was going to Google you to find a picture. Thanks for saving me the time.
You are beautiful. Believe it, please!
Well I love it. I have always lived with a little no consequence kind of nose which had its own kind of effect on my personality I think.
So well written, and nothing shallow about it. We are so tied to our self-image, whether it’s out features, our dimensions, our skin tone, our disabilities, or whatever. I was thinking about this topic myself today. http://bulgingbuttons.wordpress.com/2013/11/02/no-wonder-i-look-so-fat/ . You are brave for posting your lovely photo.
xo, BB
Beautifully written and conveyed.
When I was a teenager I made the mistake of letting a caricature artist draw me He accentuated all those things that made me feel awkward – but because it was a side profile the fact that my chin was sunken in and it looked like I didn’t have one really bothered me. Still does to this day. I empathize with so much of what you’ve written here. For me it was always my weight. I even looked into how much it would be to get liposuction. I have never looked in the mirror and thought that I looked good. You are so brave and so beautiful. I have always thought you were gorgeous – like painting gorgeous – someone should do a thoughtful painting of you in oils or something. Also I am envious of your amazing clothing stylez! 🙂 🙂
“…feel sad that … there is such a narrow definition of beauty for women.”
Well said. And I’m guessing that there are lots of people who love and would miss your nose if, god forbid, anything were to happen to it.
You are lovely.
We all have things we are very self conscious of. I definitely have mine (unibrow!). And actually, I’m not that fond of my nose either.
*kisses* H
In a different sense, I used to abhor my nose too, but because I’m Asian so I’ll never have the high nose bridge of thin nostrils. The funny thing too is that lots of people compliment me on my smile, and smiling then became a contradiction on looking pretty and receiving compliments, and also noticing – even if it was just me – that my nose seemed flat and huge. Although it didn’t take me 20 something odd years, I think I’m okay with myself now. I am saddened when I hear my other Asian friends wanting plastic surgery based on the examples of Korean idols. Good for you for appreciating yourself, fashion has always liked ugly-pretty. Pretty pretty is just, boring. Even for me (:
I’m on a long term learning to like myself project. It’s been three years so far, and I’m on liking my face, my hair and shoulders. I’m quite fond of my hands too! It’s a slowly but surely process, and it can be so frustrating for both me and my other half that I still have bad days.
“I’m on a long term learning to like myself project.”
Me too! I’m slowly learning that everything, EVERYTHING, is a process. Nothing is ever really done, and if you think it’s done, you get an unpleasant surprise.
When reading your post I almost expected what we’d call ‘a dragon of a nose’, but in fact you look great and your nose looks quite normal! But of course, you have to face yourself in the mirror everyday, soo you start to see everything in a different, more critical way. That’s logic.
I too don’t particularly like my nose. It used to be okay, but then I got braces and they sort of ruined my nose. Next to that I just don’t like my face from certain perspectives.
But then again I think of how I can’t change it, plus, people see you when you’re moving, and they’ll always care about themselves the most. It takes too much wasted energy to worry about your looks that way I believe…
Personally, I think you are gorgeous! Left to the imagination by the way you were writing I expected some atrocity on your face. Not so. I’m glad you like it now because I am sure the people who know you have liked it all along. People who care see us differently than we see ourselves. Recently I “fixed” a photo of my eldest sister for a pro print job. She phoned me, gushing about how wonderful I made her look. She calls it her movie star look. I told her that that is how I see her every day. Her daughter said the exact same thing.
By the way, I love your hat. Is it a one of a kind?
You are beautiful, and an inspiration. I wish it didn’t take me 4 decades to learn to love my nose, but I’m glad I’m finally here. Rock on sistah.
Rock on yourself – glad you made it! Some people never do 🙂
Anna
Self-perception has a lot to answer for, does it not? As does the fashion/media industry that works so hard at exploiting our misgivings in the name of fleecing us for their solution. You have an inner fortitude that is deep and fine, I admire you for being able to express your heart so beautifully. Lovely piece (and lovely nose btw), write on, I say, write on.
Respect REDdog
I know the opinion of a stranger does not, should not matter, and I hope that you can know that into the depths of your soul. But I just wanted to let you know that after all that buildup, I scrolled down to see your picture and did a double-take, because surely you can’t have meant THAT nose was awful or ugly or enormous. I don’t mean this to in any way invalidate your experience or the stupid comments you got growing up – what I mean is that I don’t find it at all unattractive or odd. I know I’m a random stranger, but I just wanted you to know that. I think you’re very pretty. And I think your profile is great. I hope you continue to learn to love it. 🙂
Like many with well-endowed noses, I spent my teenage years bemoaning the fact that I didn’t have a dinky little turned up variety with cutsey dimples on each cheek to boot. I’m now in my 40s and although I can’t say I’m happy with my nose (step too far), I no longer want to save up for an operation to change it. It’s who I am, it’s my character, take it or leave it. I definitely agree that physical attributes, or lack of them can blight a teenager’s life. And there is no talking them out of it either.
Well done for coming to terms with your own looks a lot earlier than many and avoiding the knife in the process!
I like to imagine a young Michael Jackson reading this post many years ago, and internalizing your wisdom here, such that he would still be with us, not having spiraled downward into a world of self-mutilation and self-loathing and surgical obsession. You are beautiful by the way.
Very wise words, I am glad to see from your pic you are young enough to get through this. I am 58 and I realise looking back how much my insecurity about my appearance stopped me from doing, I would have like to do something in the media but didn’t even apply because I thought people would think me ridiculous. Personally, I find men AND women look very attractive with distinctive noses. What is awful to me is people with no chin, ie me!!
Bravo to you for being so brave.
Le Clown sent me here, and I am glad he did.
Keep it up, I can’t wait to keep reading.
Why, thank you! Good old Le Clown, he’s a pretty terrific guy, eh? I’m so happy the internets brought us together.
I think your nose is beautiful, and that photo is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing your story. All of us have something like this we’ve had to learn to love. It takes a lot of strength to do so.
I can’t find anything wrong with your nose. Nothing at all. It’s perfect. And I am not saying this only because your nose looks exactly like mine. 🙂
Awww thanks! High five, nose twin!
I absolutely adore your nose! It gives you personality, you look smarter. If you did get a nose job you would look like everyone else and I would really hate it!! My nose is kinda big too but I’m not changing it: it’s my dad’s nose.
I know that I’m wayyyy late to this post, but I only just discovered you (as I only just started exploring the blog world – yes, I know, late to the party!!) and this just hit me. Being a teenager is brutal. I’m tall and have freckles. I also don’t like my nose. No one I went to school with was tall or had freckles…obviously they were perfect and I was a spotted amazonian creature. Even now as an adult, I struggle with liking my appearance. I am the first one to tell my friends how beautiful they are, and really mean it, but the last one to be able to internalize it. It’s a struggle. I’m so happy that you have learned to love your “flaw” (obviously it isn’t a flaw!). Thank you for sharing your story. I know that your story resonated with many and helped people take one more step on their own journey to self acceptance and self love. Beautiful.
Thank you for this.
I’m still learning to love my nose. And stories like this are making it easier to love. Thank you.
Your nose looks almost exactly like mine! I think I’m starting to get to the point where I’m like “Eff it!” My nose is huge and it’s the first thing people may notice about me especially since I’m so petite/short. I’m very self conscious about how I take my pictures, which angles to use, and using contour to thin and shorten my nose somewhat. I was always ridiculed and bullied as a teenager for having this nose. I am the only one in my immediate family who has it because it skipped a generation from my grandpa. None of my cousins, siblings, aunts/uncles have it. I’m literally the only one besides my grandpa. So maybe I feel some type of way because I’m the only one with it. But as an adult I refuse to shrink back and try to hide it. I may continue to do a little contouring, pick a flattering hair cut, or use make up to play up and balance my other features but I have decided that I will NEVER get a nose job! My nose is a defining feature and something unique. It is sad that no actresses, models, or artists keep their original noses because we then internalize this as unacceptable or an anomaly or some kind of deformity. But there is so much variety and beauty in human appear and many times our facial features are dependent upon our racial/ethnic heritage and can be a link to our own racial/ethnic pride. I dont want to feel insecure anymore or want to change it. In fact I’m going to get a nose piercing just to give society and its beauty standards a big FXCK you and embrace this big asz nose!
Your nose fits you. Very simply, you’re beautiful.